Author: demand13bg

Conversation Kickstarter: Lead with Joy

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For my new year’s blog post in 2024 I wrote about a practice I call the Joy Review. This was all about ways to develop a ritual or set of rituals in your life designed to really savor the joy that we sometimes let pass us by or fade too quickly from memory.  You can link to it HERE.  I absolutely stand by that idea and indeed right now, as the world seems to grow more challenging by the hour, I think it’s more important than ever pay attention to joy. Today I want to build on the idea of reviewing your own joy and expand it to suggest a simple way you can not only encourage a joy focus in the people you encounter in your daily life but also spark a potentially meaningful conversation between you and friends or even you and a stranger.

 

I was recently at my annual professional conference, which is in itself actually one of my most joyful times of each year. I get to see many of my favorite people in the world and also get reinvigorated in my career.  It is a place to reconnect with close friends and fond acquaintances and also to get the opportunity to meet many new people who could grow into those first two categories in the years to come. There is a lot going on at once at all hours of the day and evening, and many conversations happen in passing in the conference center or at a reception.  The “what’s new?” or “how are things?” opener to these conversations, less than scintillating in a typical year, seemed to trip people up this year with a lot of pressure felt to give a caveat on the state of the world before proceeding with their own recap. 

 

After one or two of these conversations on the first day of the conference I decided on the spot to change the question, and to everyone I met up with I asked, “what moment gave you the most joy in the last year?”  This was a game changer.  At first most people looked a bit taken aback and then I’d see a modicum of guilt pass over their faces as if perhaps we are not allowed to openly discuss joyful experiences in light of the burden of the world.  But then that cloud would quickly pass and they would light up and tell me a story.

 

Sometimes it was big – often a trip somewhere wonderful or big event like a honeymoon – but other times it was truly a moment.  For instance, one person told me that she and her husband watched a silly old comedy they haven’t seen in years and had belly laughs together that they really needed on that day.  Someone else told me of one particular day they connected with their grown kid.  One person who had at first told me about a trip stopped me later in the conversation to “change his answer” to something he had actually witnessed earlier that day that was a surprising delight.

 

I initiated a few of these conversations with people I was meeting for the first time, and I felt a sense of more immediate connection to them than I think I would have in a typical introductory conversation.  Joy is not small talk.  Joy is personal.

 

I’d like to hope that these conversations sparked some wonderful memories in those I spoke with even long after our encounter.  Following up after the conference, one person told me she was going to steal this idea for the future.  Steal away – all of you!  Please.  We need it.

 

 

Indepartners

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I have been wanting to do a blog for a long time now on the beauty and benefits of long distance relationships, and what better time for it than now as my partner, Kurt, and I are getting ready to launch our podcast on the topic, Indepartners!  This month’s blog serves double duty as my quarterly post and an introduction to the podcast; the trailer should drop at the end of January.  You can check out a bit more detail here.

 

Kurt and I have been indepartners, or living together apart (LAT is the sociological term for us) for the entirety of our relationship – 13 years now.  We were friends and work colleagues for years before that, as we are both organizational psychology professors who met through our professional society.  When we progressed from colleagues to close friends to falling in love, we were completely enamored not only with each other but with the balance between the lives we already had and the new one we were building together.  

 

We loved getting really excited to see each other, spending intentional time doing fun things completely engaged with each other, then parting, missing each other a lot, and then having time and freedom to also live our individual lives.  Everyone we knew assumed living apart was a temporary arrangement and we’d work to try to move to be together all the time.  That honestly had never even been on the table. Why mess with perfection?

 

When we have the opportunity to really talk about our relationship with people, it seems to make much more sense to them.  But even if they “get it”, folks seem to range in their reaction from thinking it’s not for them but understanding why we like it, to getting a wistful look on their face and wishing they could ship their partner across the country .  In all seriousness, although we know an indepartnership isn’t for everyone (it requires a certain level of resources and independence), we really believe that the lessons we’ve learned in designing this beautiful relationship could help a lot of people:  from those who find themselves facing distance they didn’t think they wanted to people in more traditional, cohabitating relationships who could mix things up with a bit more intentionality.

 

In the Indepartners podcast, we’ll be busting some myths about long distance relationships and discussing the benefits of concepts like intentionality, communication, anticipation, and rituals.  Regular readers of this Demand the Shimmer blog might recognize some of those themes; many are practices that I try to incorporate and model in my individual life as well.  We’ll have some guests, including others in similar relationships, and we’ll take questions from our audience.  We are so excited to launch!  I hope that you’ll give us a listen. 

 

 

Holiday Invention #1 – Big Walk Day

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My life partner, Kurt, and I are long distance by choice (our podcast on this, Apartners, will be launching in December or January – eek – stay tuned!). One of my favorite things about our relationship of over twelve years is that we have made up a bunch of holidays that we celebrate every year. I’m sure that plenty of couples, and probably especially those with children, have special rituals and traditions that they do regularly. It’s my observation, though, that these are typically associated with traditional holidays or birthdays. On the other hand, many of ours are just made up completely independent of those things and designed in part to be sources of anticipation. I wanted to share a few of ours in case they may be a springboard of inspiration.  This month I am going to highlight one of my favorites:  Big Walk Day.

 

Kurt and I both love to walk. We may be just a bit obsessed with our step goals (ok, by we I really mean me). We also are very fortunate and privileged to be able to travel fairly regularly, and firmly believe that walking around a new place is the best way to enjoy it. Big Walk Day actually was sort of invented by accident. Kurt had an opportunity to teach a course in the summers in Honolulu for a few years, and one day ago we decided to walk from our friend’s condo where we were staying to downtown rather than hopping on the bus. It was a beautiful day and we just kept wandering around, and we realized at some point that we’d probably end up with over 30,000 steps that day. We patted ourselves on the back for this over cocktails and snacks, and we decided then and there that the following year we’d go for 40,000: Big Walk Day was born.

 

This quickly became a much-anticipated holiday that still continues. It happens in the summer, and we’ve done it so far in Hawaii, Memphis, and New Orleans. It involves setting a step goal given our current physical states (one year we took it a bit too far and I got a little sick, likely from dehydration; lesson learned and we no longer try to beat the top time each year and I’ve doubled down on the water). Then, Kurt maps out a general route that should get us back to our starting point about the point we should be reaching that step goal, give or take.  To put a typical goal in perspective, we usually go around 50K steps, which is over 20 miles, and do it over the course of a 12-14 hour day.

 

For any of you thinking this is a big workout, health-focused thing, let me disabuse you of that idea!  Big Walk Day includes a big breakfast out, coffee and treats, lunch, beer, and dinner. Ok, sometimes more beer in between. We always have a plan about when the next stop will be – some of the stretches are longer than others, and we make an unplanned stop if we need a rest.  We take lots of photos (and post a selfie at every 10K steps on social media – shown above is us mid-walk one year). We each plan out topics to talk about, but we also have some really random and often funny conversations prompted by things we see. We are also comfortable with long stretches of silence, just focused on being where we are and keeping moving.

 

I think there are a lot of different reasons why Big Walk Day is one of our favorite days of the year, and several of them tie into themes I’ve written about here in Demand the Shimmer in the past.  First, of course, it is a ritual, and there are so many satisfying elements of rituals in our life (I wrote about Rituals vs. Routines in one of my first Demand the Shimmer blog posts).   

 

Anticipation is such an underappreciated emotion, and it’s so important to always have things (in the day, the next week, the month, the year) that you are really looking forward to.  We don’t celebrate Big Walk Day on the same day each year, but it’s almost always in the summer.  When we do it in a place we’ve done it before, we make sure to include some of our favorite spots (big shout out to Bogart’s Café in Waikiki and their spectacular Mama’s Fried Rice – breakfast of champions!). We also try to add at least one stop we’ve never been to before to be able to look forward to new discoveries that may or may not eventually become favorites. Because Kurt and I live apart, planning when and where we will be together in the course of a year is a regular part of our relationship, and during the course of this we can generally get a sense of when Big Walk Day will be and start to get excited about it.

 

Setting goals as a couple (or as a family, or a pair of friends) is a great connection builder.  Breaking out of the habits of the things you typically do together on a day off helps to see one another through fresh eyes, and accomplishing something moderately challenging together and celebrating the win is pretty exhilarating. There is also something magical about literally falling in sync with other people by matching their pace and sharing repeated movements while experiencing the same sights and sounds.

 

If Big Walk Day sounds intriguing to you, please make it your holiday too! But if walking isn’t something you are able to or are interested in doing, what type of day-long ritual can you create – with a partner, family, friends, or on your own?  How can you introduce the elements of anticipation, detail planning, and a moderate challenge of some sort?  Is there a time of year you think you get in a rut that this could spark you out of? 

 

Happy Holiday!

 

 

 

Slower slow and faster fast

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The last time I did my quarterly retreat (check out Blog post #2 to learn more on those), I checked in on the things in my life I was working on, as is an integral part of that day.  Usually I ask myself whether or not I have been really doing what I set out to do, and if not, does that mean it doesn’t matter much to me anymore and should I switch course? This time, rather than reflecting on what I was spending my time on, I found myself considering how I was doing things.  If feeling uninspired or underwhelmed or on autopilot, could I mix up the how rather than the what? 

 

I kept coming back to one particular dimension of the how:  speed.  Would some things serve me better if I slowed them down?  And, on the flip side, could some things be more impactful if I speeded them up?

 

The slow down.  In my blog post #11 I reflected on savor-watching tv, and other ways we can savor more things in our life as a joy booster. For years and years, maybe decades, I have been working – with varying degrees of success – to eat more slowly.  I love to eat and I really try to savor, but by nature I am a fast eater.  I know that when I do slow down, the same amount of food leads to many more minutes of enjoyment.  This one was not a new idea, but I felt invigorated to redouble my efforts.

 

Another is handwriting. Anyone who knows me well enough to have seen my handwriting (sorry, students!) knows it is horrible, but what most people don’t’ realize is that I actually have extremely legible, dare I even say pretty, handwriting if I just slow down a tiny bit and stay there.  The whole point of writing something is for someone to be able to read it – writing so messy that even I have no idea what I was trying to say serves exactly no purpose. 

 

I have really been enjoying using the Five Senses Journal by Gretchen Rubin, prompting me each day to think about a way that I enjoyed each of my major five senses (taste, smell, sight, hearing, and touch).  This practice has brought a lot of everyday joy, but by slowing down to fully experience each of these senses in the moment rather than just in retrospect multiplies the effect.

 

Finally, I just finished reading Slow Productivity by Cal Newport.  I have been thinking about his ideas since reading his book Deep Work; Slow Productivity elaborates on and fleshes out some of the principles of the earlier book even more.  Newport argues for how rare truly undistracted, deep-thinking knowledge work has become and how important it is. As a researcher and teacher, to truly make a difference with what I do I have focus and dive deeper into sometimes complex ideas. That requires slowing down.

 

What about faster?  I love to move – mostly dancing and walking – and I try to move a lot every day.  But sometimes I know I am just going through the motions to get my steps in (12K a day is my goal).  Not all steps are created equal, though, and I know if I just speeded up my pace for even part of a walk, or put more oomph into my dance workouts, the benefits to my health, mood, and confidence would skyrocket.

 

Thinking more about dancing, I realized maybe speed isn’t exactly what I meant – the music has a certain beat and I wasn’t speeding that up – it is more a matter of intensity.  Sometimes I catch myself just kind of going through the motions rather that really putting my all into it.  I use the app Body Groove, and the teacher once said, “if you’re going to dance, you might as well dance.” Perhaps it’s no coincidence that intensity and intentionality share a common root?  Paying attention to my intensity of movement is helping to foster a level of intentionality in my movement.

 

This last idea is going to sound like a direct contradiction to what I was just saying about slow productivity, but hear me out.  Another book that really resonated with me over the last couple of years is Effortless by Greg McKeown.  He wrote it as a follow-up to his popular book Essentialism after realizing he was not fully able to live by his own ideas of paring life down to the most important priorities when his daughter became ill and everything he needed to do became priorities. 

 

The idea that stuck with me most in Effortless (besides pairing drudgery with fun, but that sounds like a whole other post) is asking yourself “what would this look like if it were easy?”  A pre-question to this I try to ask myself is  “am I making this harder than it has to be?”  Just as there are a lot of things we really should slow down with and do more carefully, there are others that just are not all that consequential that sometimes bog us down.  Second guessing ourselves about minor decisions or overthinking how to approach minor tasks in our work and home lives are common among a lot of us.  Asking these questions, figuring out ways to make things easier – and often much faster – leaves us more time to slow down where it counts.

 

 

 

Joy Elixir

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Recently I was wandering around a craft store, and being a sucker for colored paper of all kinds, I spotted on one of those little hanging racks on the end of an aisle a smallish pad of thick colored paper, maybe about 3 X 5.  It reminded me at the time of a prescription pad (is that still a thing?).  I wasn’t sure what I’d do with it but I was sure it was supposed to come home with me.

 

Later in the week I heard Gretchen Rubin on her Happier podcast talking about an Audio Apothecary – essentially a playlist to lift your mood.  That word “apothecary” really appealed to me.  Still later, the word “alchemy” popped up in two very different things I was reading.  Finally, when I was feeling a little overwhelmed from some work issues mostly out of my control and journaling to try to work through some stuff, it all kind of came together.  I needed to write a prescription for myself to lift me out of my stuck place  But, prescription sounded a bit too sterile and pharmaceutical, so I thought perhaps I needed an elixir.  Or maybe a spell?  I’m still deciding which I like better. Either way, the plan was to craft my own apothecary to give myself a boost of Demand the Shimmer magic.

 

I grabbed that colored paper pad and wrote myself a spell.  It included things to do, ways to breathe and move, songs to hear, things to consume, things to say.  Since then, I have made one for bravery (something I really needed to tap more into), sleep, energy, transitioning into vacation mode, and transitioning back to home. 

 

I talk a lot about ritual in these blogs, and this overlaps with ritual in some ways, but I think it’s a little different in that these are really quick to do, a bit silly, and have this tongue-in-cheek nod to magic and playfulness.  

 

I often find that my social-scientist brain and my joyful-goofball spirit to get into tussles with one another.  In fact, that was one of the reasons it took me a couple of years to create this blog and then five years to go from first publishing it to finally telling people about it.  A lot of this stuff I come up with when I’m wearing my Demand the Shimmer hat seems at first at odds with what I know about researching and testing happiness interventions as a scientist.  But are they really so disparate?

 

Maybe not. Here’s what I’m thinking:

 

  • I really enjoyed reading Gretchen Rubin’s book Life in Five Senses last year, and have been working on ways of both noticing how I use all my senses each day and trying to purposefully use them more. She discusses several sources of research on these benefits. An older and gorgeously written book about the senses is Diane Ackerman’s A Natural History of the Senses.  My elixirs utilize a multitude of senses.

 

  • Even though I know I the particular combination of things I’m doing/hearing/consuming etc. is just something I made up, (a) the individual things range from harmless/enjoyable to evidence-based efficacious (e.g., breathing exercises), and (b) placebos can have real effects in some cases if you choose to believe they will work.

 

  • There is a growing body of research on the many benefits of play for adults in a variety of disciplines, and several practical books on introducing more play into your life. A favorite of mine is an interactive workbook I received as a gift one year; it’s called Play: Ideas, Exercises, and Little Ways to Add More Fun to Everyday by M.H. Clark.  To me, making up magical spells absolutely fits the bill of playfulness.

 

  • These spells are essentially a checklist; accomplishing an entire checklist is one mechanism for producing feelings of efficacy and accomplishment in many people, me included. It has been pointed out to me that my name is even List if you change one letter!

 

 

Okay, if that all sold you on this – would you like to create your own apothecary?  Or maybe just try one spell/elixir?  Here are some steps to get you started:

 

  • First, think of a state you would like to create. Is it sleep, energy, joy, something else?

 

  • Next, think about ways to use at least 3-4, but ideally all five, of your main senses in a way that typically helps with that state. For example, what sounds would be helpful?  What could you touch or feel or how could you move to make that more available to you?

 

  • Add some element of whimsy.

 

  • I have found I like to end it with saying something out loud – it sort of acts as an affirmation. Yes, people make fun of those, but check out Jon Acuff’s book Soundtracks for a hot take on affirmations. The speaking out loud also seems to make it more like a Hogwarts-esque spell.  No wand though. Yet.

 

 

Joy

The Joy Review

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The Joy Review

January 15, 2024

 

Happy new year!  For someone like me who is obsessed with rituals and practices to help bring more joy to everyday life, the new year is one of my favorite times on the calendar.  Some people scoff at new year’s resolutions and all that fresh-start stuff.  If you are one of those people, that’s cool, but hear me out on this one ritual that I think might be worth your time.  I used to just call it the yearly review ritual but I think it’s time to rebrand it as The Joy Review. 

 

When you take time to just think about the past year as you’re stuck in traffic or doing the dishes, you likely hit the highs and lows – the major events that really planted themselves in your memory.  It’s human nature to notice the negative.  This ritual is not going to solve big problems or heal real wounds, but it is a practice to help remind us of some of the small, everyday moments of joy that happened this year and give you the chance to savor them again

 

I should warn you that to do this thoroughly you’re going to need to set aside several hours, but it is also something that can be done a bit at a time, perhaps reviewing a month a night or even a week.  I do this as a regular ritual during December 31 and January 1.  There really is nothing magical about those days, so if this appeals to you, don’t wait until next year – give it a try now.

 

I think everyone’s tools for this ritual will differ.  For me, it’s a journal, my photos on my phone, my Facebook timeline, the one second every day app[1], my weekly journal, and my one-line-a-day journal.  Starting with January, I find all my photos from January, the one second a day video I made for January, and I go easily back to my Facebook posts by going to my page and hitting the Filter button and selecting January of last year.  I flip through all of these resources and take some bullet point notes from some of the everyday things that happened.  I am continually astounded by:

 

  • How many fun and funny moments that I completely forgot about that instantly bring me joy to experience again.
  • How much I was sure at the time of those moments I’d always remember them, but if I hadn’t done this exercise, I would have forgotten them.
  • How many worries (typically issues at work and things that were giving my self-esteem a hit) I had completely forgotten all about.

 

That last one was a big eye-opener for me.  I can get really caught up in my head about performance anxiety or rejection, and in the moment it seems like such a monster, but so many of these I end up completely forgetting about. You might think reliving them brings back the anxiety, but I found that it actually brings joy to know that those types of worries really are fleeting.

 

A lot of the joy of even the bigger moments are in the details.  For example, I had the great privilege to go to Paris last year. Of course I remembered Paris and I could tick off the memories at the big event level (the boat ride by the Eiffel tower right as the twinkle lights came on, the trip to Giverny and Versailles), but I hadn’t been remembering the first fun startle when the whole boat whooped with glee when the boat passed under the first bridge and how the people on the banks of the Seine, drinking wine and picnicking, would wave.  Or, the exact vivid shade of pink I captured in a perfect flower in Monet’s garden.  This ritual brings an echo of that tangible joy right back.

 

If my partner is with me during this exercise, he kindly allows me to review each month with him as I go and he ends up also delighted by all the things he’d forgotten. It also helps to talk out loud about these little memories to increase the intensity of the detail.  When he hasn’t been around, I send him the recap in emails.  I can see two friends getting together to do this together and exchanging favorite moments.  And if you come across a fun pic of or with a friend that you think they may have forgotten about, text it to them and spread the joy.

 

If you try this for the first time and find you don’t have a record of the little moments, maybe that’s a sign to try to start a practice this year where you will have some good reminders next time around.  Tools like one second a day allow you to take a quick video of something – anything – happening in your life each day so you can step away from the camera and be in the moment.  Similarly, for people who find the idea of journaling intimidating or boring, a one-line-a-day journal allows you to record just one good thing from the day and takes only a minute. Both of these are easy practices to start and will give you a lot of smiles later for a tiny time investment.

 

One of my favorite memories from this year was a picture I took in the coffee shop of my computer as I was finishing the blog post I wrote to release Demand the Shimmer into the world more broadly.  I look at it and feel those butterflies again in my stomach, but remember that determination was winning the battle against doubt and it was sitting at that table at that moment drinking that latte that I knew I’d start sharing.  Joy review indeed.

 

[1] Check out 1SE – 1 Second Everyday Diary – where you get your apps.

 

New ritual: ITL

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Do you ever just have the feeling that there are things weighing on you, but you can’t quite pinpoint what they are? It’s like this little niggling poke now and then, but when you turn where the poke seemed to come from, the source doesn’t quite come into focus.  It’s not major anxiety, it’s just something underneath the current that keeps you from really fully being present where you are and feeling as energetic as you could.

 

After a slew of social events, a weekend was on the horizon with no plans. Not a one.  And I decided rather than to just catch up on errands or cleaning, or even try to do some extra reading or organizing projects – things that for me are soothing and self-caring – I would design a specific retreat day that would allow me to try to uncover all of the things in my life that were lurking in the shadows.  I realized that bringing these things into the light, and more importantly planning an action step around each of them, would make them far less scary. Consequently, I’d be less likely to be looking over my shoulder when I’m trying to fully live the life in front of me.

 

Here’s what I did.  This was a stay-at-home retreat (although different in focus and scope than my regular QTR retreat I’ve described before; you can find a link to my guide for Quarterly At-Home Retreats here if you are interested in that process). The most important thing with any stay-at-home retreat is to have the day to yourself without interruptions. I know that’s easier said than done for some.  I’d suggest at a minimum you do this somewhere you can be uninterrupted except for an emergency, and you keep any notifications off. 

 

Because you are going to need your bravery today to face uncomfortable tasks, conversations, changes, etc., arm yourself with intense comfort.  Plan ahead by thinking of what really brings you comfort using all your senses and gather whatever you think will be soothing.  I was in the coziest of clothes, not one thing itchy or tight.  I had warm lighting, delicious drinks and food all day (but nothing requiring any fuss or distraction), and classical music in the background. 

 

Although I normally don’t combine work retreats and nonwork retreats into one – I hold fast to my strong boundaries between these realms – in this case I decided I needed to examine aspects of my whole life to understand fully where my blindspots were.  I created a OneNote project for this; I am as a rule more of a paper journal person, but the speed at which I could type out insights appealed to me for this, before I lost the glimpse of whatever started coming up.  I started with a freewrite just to get the juices flowing.  Then, I wrote down various categories of home and life and asked myself “what am I pretending isn’t a problem here?”  It was kind of like coaxing a cat out from under the bed; I just kept looking deeper until I saw it there looking back at me. 

 

I can’t pretend that I didn’t at all have an “ugh” feeling looking at this list when I finally herded all these cats, but it was accompanied by a feeling of pride and bravery for taking my head out of the sand.  It also felt like a really good start, and starting is almost always the hardest part. Once that first stage was completed, I did celebrate that accomplishment, but the process couldn’t end there. What I needed was the most concrete, doable action step I could come up with for each challenge. My rules were: (a) I had to be able to do it in the next 48 hours (and preferably some of them immediately doable), (b) the step would take no longer than 15 minutes to accomplish, and (c) it would be something I knew how to do and had the power to do without any additional resources.  I also planned out some fun little rewards for achieving each of these first steps and for planning the next several steps once the first ones were completed.

 

When looking back at the details of this day to write this blog, I’m happy to say that I discovered almost all of these issues have been completely resolved or have lost their power to rattle me.  Doing this one time of course hasn’t prevented me from burying things that I’m not sure how to approach and then letting inadvertently giving them the power to morph into monsters.  My head still goes into the sand sometimes, and I recognize it when that niggling starts again, or when I feel myself more distracted or lower energy than normal.  But now I know what to do, and you do too. ITL: Into the light.

 

 

 

 

The Return of MWOWs

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The return of M-Wows

My amazing mother, Rhoda Finkelstein, passed away on August 31, 2019, after a week’s stay in the hospital with a litany of major issues, just shy of her 93rd birthday.  We said goodbye on day 3 of that week – she felt the end was coming and she wanted to make sure we had that conversation while she was still completely lucid.  I am so grateful for the heartfelt goodbye we shared and I know because of it I was ready to let go. Honestly, I was more relieved than I’d ever been in my life that she passed the very day after she was put on palliative care, knowing that she went quickly before she became “un-her.” 

 

I moved my mama up from Florida almost three years prior when she could no longer live alone. She was in assisted living as I couldn’t provide her the professional 24-hour care she would need for the remainder of her life.  She was a firecracker and even though her body gave out, her mind was sharp –  her sense of humor and her kindness competing for her defining feature.  Stories of my mama became my most common topic on my social media, and she started to develop quite the fan club among my friends and acquaintances.

 

When she passed, the outpouring was truly stunning, including many messages about how folks felt like they knew and loved this woman they had never met through my posts.  A few weeks later, I decided to do a series of posts to share some of the most precious lessons I had learned from her over the years.  On the second one I dubbed them M-WOWs:  Mama’s Words of Wisdom.  Every now and then I post a memory of an M-WOW and I’m told how much they are missed.  I decided to reintroduce the M-WOW series to my blog, now with a bit of expansion and embellishment.

 

Please enjoy the update of my first M-WOW from September 17, 2019, entitled Treat Yourself…

 

The original: I’m starting a series of posts called “Wise lessons from Mama Rhoda”. I have been thinking a lot about all I’ve learned and this way I can share more of it and spread her wisdom. First lesson today: Treat yourself! This was Mama’s ring. She bought it for herself probably back in the 60s (wish I knew when for sure) when she got a raise at work. Both my parents worked hard and we didn’t have tons of money but she knew the pleasure of a once in a while little splurge on something special, within reason.

 

New reflections: I realized as I thought more about this that there are other subtle and important lessons nestled in here.  First, my mama taught me that it is ok to buy yourself gifts that our society often tells us should come from other people as a sign of love.  Fine jewelry, and most particularly rings, are quintessentially in this category.  I rarely suffer from the guilt at acts of self-care and self-appreciation that seem to be common, especially among women. I think this may be one more thing I can thank my mama for.

 

Second, my mama was a very hard worker and she was incredibly smart, and she took a lot of pride in what she brought to her workplaces.  Although she never used the term “headhunted” (probably a good thing – what a terrible term!), I know she was lured away from more than one workplace to another on more than one occasion because she was so skilled at what she did and so pleasant to work with.  She wasn’t shy about sharing those stories and showing pride in the quality of her work and her work ethic.  I believe from her I learned that taking pride in good work is different from bragging and is something most definitely worth celebrating.

 

Lastly, Mama had her own sense of personal style.  This ring is not something I would have picked for myself, though I now enjoy wearing it because it is so her.  Even into her 90s she was very particular about her clothes and jewelry and putting together a look that made her feel good.  Right before she moved into assisted living, we went on a big shopping trip (akin to back to school shopping) and debated on the best look for her “first day” outfit.  Treats do not have to cost a lot, but there is something about wearing something new and very you that can help you seize the day!

 

How will you treat yourself this month?

 

 

Savor Watching

Posted on by demand13bg

 

It’s pretty typical to have someone ask you what you’re binge-watching, but you never hear people ask about savor-watching.  I am a savor-watcher.  I think in part it might stem from my love of a ritual. I used to love looking forward to Mad Men on Sunday nights – and for y’all who are my age-ish, who can forget Must-See Thursdays on NBC?  I still remember counting down ‘til Saturday night and the Love Boat as a kid (I realllllly wanted to be Julie McCoy when I grew up). 

 

Watching a bunch of episodes in a row of a show doesn’t really appeal to me. In fact, these days I find I can’t even watch a whole episode of a show at a time – I’ll often spread the one episode out over a couple times in the week, or even across weeks.  That way I can spend time with Midge Maisel and Jonathan Van Ness and Mr. Kim and Emily Cooper for a much longer stretch of my life than I would have otherwise.  In between, I can anticipate.

 

I think anticipation is one of the most underrated emotions, but more on that coming soon about that with my ode to the long distance relationship. Stay tuned!

 

Back to savor-watching. I think it’s part of an obsession I’ve been having with the idea of savoring as a key component of a joyful life.  Research in the field of positive psychology has seen an uptick in scientific interest in the effects of efforts to increase people’s savoring in various aspects of their lives.

 

Proponents of positive psychology recognize that while it is really important to help people cope with negative experiences and states, that is just one side of the coin. It is also vital help people who are doing just fine go from fine to thriving and flourishing.  This is definitely on brand with Demand the Shimmer. One of the researchers lighting the path toward more scientific work on savoring is Dr. Fred Bryant from Loyola University in Chicago.  He and his colleagues recognized that just as people can learn to proactively cope with negative stuff, they should also be able to proactively increase their joy in reaction to positive stuff.  Savoring is the practice of doing just that, and it can involve the whole process of anticipating something awesome, mindfully experiencing the moment of awesomeness, and actively practicing reminiscing about the awesomeness. 

 

Some other savoring practices I’ve been trying to put into place this summer include:

 

  • Taking the last meal of a vacation or the last leg of a road trip to review the whole thing event-by-event with whomever I am with to relive all the fun memories again. Typically, different people will have had different little memories stick, so sharing expands everyone’s experience.  And, If I do a daytrip alone, I’ll actually talk the details out loud or write them down so I can relive them before the memories fade.

 

  • If I see something beautiful or funny or interesting, like most of us I am quick to snap a photo, but I try to stop and really look carefully and savor the moment rather than count on a pic I may never return to.

 

  • This one might sound a bit weird, but when I have a feeling of joy or happiness come over me, I try to stop and say (out loud, even if I’m alone) “I am so happy.” Noting happiness and sitting with it for a few extra beats helps to expand it.

 

  • Keeping a one-line-a-day journal where the one line or phrase is the most fun moment of the day. Even a crappy day often has at least a moment of humor, connection, or beauty.

 

Although savor-watching and some of these other savoring practices come pretty naturally to me, I really struggle with the type of savoring people typically think of first – eating slowly and savoring food.  I am and have always been a fast eater, as much as I try to slow down.  In fact, I’m writing this at a coffee shop and I just got to the last bite of a delicious pan au chocolate before realizing I had finished it mindlessly.  I am going to double down the efforts on this; I know it will be worth it.

 

What will you try to savor?

 

 

Cheers,

Lisa

 

 

 

 

This Time

Posted on by demand13bg

This Time

August 5, 2023

 

“The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you’ll say yes.” – Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

 

I launched this website, this blog, my products, on my 50th birthday – August 5, 2018.  I had the idea hidden inside me for some time, and finally pledged they’d see the light of day when I turned 50.  The morning of my birthday, it went out into the world – not with a bang, but with an almost incomprehensible whisper.  I had the courage to get it out there, but not to share it, especially not with people who knew me (save for my partner, who supports me fully in everything).  What if they thought it was dumb?  Unprofessional?  Silly?  Self-indulgent?  Unsubstantiated musings from a social scientist who was supposed to always and only put forth the products of empirical evidence?

So there it sat, in the shadows. I would write blogs when inspired and post them.  I updated the look of the website and added a few features to make it easier to navigate for the zero people who were navigating it. Occasionally I would drum up the courage to share with an online group where I didn’t know anyone well.  I finally shared with my childhood best friend and one other professional friend who I was mentoring.  My partner shared with a few people he encountered whom he thought it would benefit.  It was always well-received, but I still couldn’t get past those pesky what ifs. 

A lot has happened in my life in the last five years. My beloved Mama who was part of my everyday life passed away in her 90s.  I hit menopause; or rather, it hit me.  Daily. With buckets of fire.  Oh, yeah – there was a pandemic.  On the wonderful side, I have had opportunities to go back many times to places where younger me lived and learned and grew – the Boston suburbs and New Orleans. Seeing these places now through my more creased eyes, or through my readers if looking close up, has helped me realize both how far I’ve come in some ways and how fundamentally me I remain in others. 

I spent a little time today thinking about how women my age are saying more and more often that they no longer have any fucks to give.  When I first heard that expression years ago, I thought it was hilarious, but lately when I’m supposed to feel that way, I’ve found myself feeling sort of cringy with that notion though I wasn’t sure why. It’s not the profanity – that part I still find hilarious.  I think it’s because it just seems so angry, which is just not my general nature.  It implies a clause that precedes it that is filled with frustration…like “that’s the last straw, I no longer have any fucks to give…” or “I am done with all you people, I no longer have any fucks to give…”. I want to keep caring; I kind of want to care more.  But I want to care differently.  Not about those what ifs. I don’t want to care about the imagined judgments of people who don’t have my best interests at heart.  But I do want people to see the everyday joys that they are likely walking right past.  I want people to be even just a little happier, to have a tiny bit more fun despite the big and small frustrations in the world. To craft their days to maximize the good, for themselves and for others. 

And so that takes me back around to Demand the Shimmer.  So here I am again.  Five years later. This time, it’s on.